What next?????

Well, still no call by afternoon, so I called myself. Another nurse I don't know called me saying Dr. S was in today and would call me later in the afternoon. He did! We discussed many things and here is a summary:
1) We stimulated well with fresh IVF on low dose and everything went smoothly with embies, gorwth, hormone levels, lining, etc - just ended up in tube. This tells us that we had a genetically normal embie (know this because it was biopsied when they removed the tube at surgery), we can produce embies, and hormones were not a overt factor.
2) Embies thawed well, lining and hormones again were perfect. This tells us that embie growth was good (although not sure of genetics) and my body allegedly cooperates.
3) Dr. S is very sad for us and somewhat shocked that we are not pregnant, since our only supposed factor was tubal factor (which is not anymore). He thinks we are just on bad side of luck or stats (whatever - can I have a break please) most likely, but will be a little proactive jsut incase.
4) I also like, Denise, will only have one nurse from now on who is BTW great - she called me after work to talk to me and console me for 45 minutes. She also gave me hope and encouragement.
5) Dr. wants us to do an uterine biopsy to test for integrin inadequecy - this protein is like a stick suction cups that helps the embie stick and begin to bury into uterus. Without it, no implantation. Since no embie has ever embedded that we know of in the uterus, he will be checking this before next fresh IVF. This is protocol if 6-8 embryos (no matter how many cycle it took) are transferred and viable pregnancy. He said since everything else is textbook for us he wants to test us early to save us the emotional and financial strain. If this protein is missing, then just add 2-3 months of meds and protein is built up artificially, and then normal IVF protocol. Dr. S just wants us to have that info prior to doing next IVf so if we need to tx, then it is not a wasted cycle.
6) If protein is normal (see #5 above) then he recommends genetic testing of embies at next ET. He said that if everything else is normal, this makes sense. Embies may grow and look good, but never implant or make it if genetically abnormal. He said they would implant genetically normal embies only if we had some, and we may have none or all of then may be fine. He felt since with IVF#1 we at least had one normal one (ectopic) then chance we can produce some at minimum, we just need to pin point and select those to make the odds better for us.

Bottomline, Dr. S feels that we have excellent chances of having a baby of our own soon - he would not encourage us to keep trying if he thought it was useless. He reiterated that every IVF cycle we learn more about our bodies/cycles that get us one step closer to a BFP. I am starting to see a faint glimmer at the end of the darkeness. We will wait for AF, then do biopsy 10 days after next ovulation - results take 2 weeks. Then, we will re-evaluate and make a plan from there. I am not sure when next fresh IVF will be, but I think it will be at least a few months- my body and mind are a bit lost and need to be found and returned. If anyone can point them in my general direction, please let me know!

No call -how rude!

So, I pulled my sleep deprived body to work today and luckily todays weather was beautiful otherwise a snowy, gloomy day would have been unbearable. So, as per nurses instructions on my fated BFN call - Dr. S would call me today early afternoon to discuss things. So, I rearranged a few things so I would not have to break away from new patients to answer "the" call in the afternoon. NO call from him or any nurse. So the hope that got me through work without breaking apart, the hope that would give me some strength to look ahead to trying again, the hope that he had some answers or words of encouragement that things would work for us ...is left hanging on a stupid phone call that was never made or a promise of one that should not have been. All I have to say is the nurse who gets my call tomorrow 1st thing in the morning better be ready for an earful - don't piss off a hormonally adjusted, IF woman who just got the BFN AGAIN, and gets forgotten about because she is not cycling!

Lucky? HELL NO!

So, Beta was negative today. I had been preparing myself for the phone call since my POAS was stark white yesterday, but nothing can ever prepare yourself for the call "I am sorry, you are not pregnant". The disappointment and progesterone have produced a wealth of emotions and self pitty today, just glad I am by myself to enjoy it alone. Where do I go now? I don't know who I am anymore much less what to do now. I was told my RE would call tomorrow to discuss recommendations from here, and boy do I have a lot of questions for him. All starting with, WHY?

The doubt sets in...

Here is where I always struggle in the "wait". With all this IF research and advances can't they just figure out how to implant the embryos in the the uterus and then you would know automatically that at that point you would be pregnant! Yesterday was a hopeful day - I felt the happiness and hope of "knowing" this would work and thinking ahead to when the u/s would be to hear the heartbeat. Not to mention my body toying with me with either progesterone symptoms or BFP symptoms, that my breast were more full and hurt going down steps (which never happens) and lots of lower abdominal cramping (which I also never have). Then this morning, WHAP and it all goes away - for some reason I don't have the same feeling of hope today, even though all my symptoms are the same. I am an emotional wreck todak - the doubt, depression, and even thoughts about what would be our next step crept in leaving me feeling uterly hopeless and sad. Maybe it is me setting myself up for this not working and it not surprising me. This waiting time is such a rollercoaster and it just plain stinks! IF is so cruel sometimes!

"and they Marched on the arc, 2 by 2"

Well, our 2 snowbabies -frosty and snowball survived the thaw and looked perfect, so good the RE said "they look like they had never been frozen". They did do assisted hatching and the little guys were emerging and both transferred with no problems. So, the snowtwins "marched into the arch" and are now aboard their 9 month cruise de Butler! Now we wait to see how they like the luxuary cruise liner!!

All systems go!

All systems go for our FET on Friday! Now it is up to Frosty and Snowball to be brave and endure their journey of thawing in hopes of a nice warm vacation spot in utero for 9 months! We wont know until we show up on Friday how many made it, which causes a little anxiety, I have to admit. I have not really thought negatively about this FET for some reason - hopefully the positive thoughts will lead to a positive outcome. What choice do I have really though? With IVF #1 - I never doubted that it would not work, nor did I think that I would end up with the situation we did though. Sometimes I think the unknown is the worst part for me. I want to prepare for all scenarios, but know I would drive myself crazy and be a wreck if I did. I try just to approach it one hurdle at a time. So, next hurdle is a biggy - who will survive the thaw?